The Gift of Tension: Why Real Coaching Begins Between the Lines

We often think of tension as something to fix.

We feel pulled in two directions, and we want relief.

But what if the tension isn’t the problem? What if it’s the portal?

What is “Tension” in Coaching?

Tension, in coaching, is the dynamic pull between two truths, needs, or tendencies inside a person that haven’t yet been fully integrated.

And that tension?

It’s not a flaw.

It’s not a weakness.

It’s the space where growth is asking to happen.

Think of it like the strings of an instrument:

• If there’s no tension, the string is slack and there’s no sound.

• If the tension is too high, it snaps.

• But just the right tension creates resonance.

That’s what we listen for in coaching: not the noise of a solution, but the resonance of integration.

Where Does “Tension” Come From?

Tension often emerges from competing parts of ourselves, each holding something valid, but not yet in harmony. Here are some common sources:

Source of Tension	What It Means	Example
Competing Values	Two values matter, but they pull in different directions	“I value freedom and belonging, but I don’t feel I can have both.”
Strengths Overused	A strength becomes a liability in a different context	“My attention to detail makes me good at my job, but I can’t let things go.”
Desire vs. Identity	A goal doesn’t align with current self-concept	“I want to lead a team, but I don’t see myself as a leader.”
Outer Role vs. Inner Need	What’s expected externally isn’t what’s needed internally	“Everyone sees me as competent, but I feel deeply unsure inside.”
Clarity vs. Ambiguity	They know they want more, but not what or how	“I feel ready for something more, but I don’t know what ‘more’ means.”

Real-Life Coaching Tensions

These show up in my coaching room all the time and maybe you’ll recognize some:

Tension	What’s Pulling Inside
“I’m creative, but I never finish anything.”	Innovation vs. Discipline
“I want to speak up, but I don’t want to hurt people.”	Authenticity vs. Harmony
“I feel underchallenged, but also exhausted.”	Ambition vs. Restoration
“I crave more responsibility, but fear failing.”	Growth vs. Safety
“I’m very intuitive, but I struggle to prove my ideas.”	Inner Knowing vs. External Validation

These aren’t problems to solve. They’re conversations to have.

And that’s where coaching lives.

Why Work With Tension?

Because tension:

• Honors the complexity of being human

• Moves us beyond simplistic “fixing” language

• Creates room for integration, not elimination

• Encourages clients to embrace both sides and grow into something new

In other words, tension is not the thing to avoid. It’s the thing to get curious about.

Coaching With Tension: Try This

Whether you’re a coach or simply coaching yourself through life, here are a few questions that open up the space:

• “What are the two forces at play here?”

• “What part of you wants this? What part resists?”

• “If this tension had a voice, what would it say?”

• “What could shift if these parts worked together, not against each other?”

• “What tension in your life right now wants to be listened to, not solved?”

Final Thought

Coaching isn’t about removing tension.

It’s about tuning it - like the string of an instrument - until it creates something resonant, true, and alive.

So next time you feel a pull between two inner voices, pause.

Don’t fix it.

Feel it.

There’s music waiting in that space.